What should not be done at Hogwarts
by killing u with umbrellas
Summary: Basically, its taken out of the millions of lists that say 'i will not...at Hogwarts' plz R&R!
1. We're off!

**What should not be done at Hogwarts**

What would happen if Harry started doing those many things that 'should not be done' at Hogwarts?

Disclaimer: i own nothing. nothing own it.

this is AU and happens durin the 6th year and HBP does not exist.

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**Chapter One**

"Mr. Potter!" McGonagal said "dangerously. "_Why_ is there catnip in the folder that your report is supposed to be in?

"What, Minnie?" Harry asked calmly. "Didn't I put the letter in there?"

McGonagal glared.

"Guess not then. Well i figured that since I _do_ have to save the world and all that a little catnip should smoove things over," Harry explained as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

There was ten seconds of shocked silence in which the class stared at him with expressions varying from shock, awe, disbelief, and not a little fear for his safety and sanity. Then...

"Potter!" screamed McGonagal. "Headmaster's office, NOW!"

"OK, Minnie," replied Harry. "Anything you'd like me to tell or ask him?" Harry asked.

"Just wait there," McGonagal hissed.

"OK then Minnie," Harry said walking out the door. "We're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz..."

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"Because, because, because! Of all of the wonderful things he does! We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz..." Harry finished the song as he approached the familiar gargoyle. Of course he blissfully ignored the odd looks he was getting from other students. "Hmmmm...I think...LOLLIPOPS!" Harry shouted at the statue, which slid open to the revolving staircase that led up to Dumbledore's office. Harry idly wondered if that had been there since the founders' time or not. And which came first, the muggle or the wizard. He knocked on the door and waited.

"Come in Harry," Dumbledore said peacefully.

Harry came in cautiously. "How did you know it was me? Are you a stalker? That's it! You're a stalker! No, it's even worse! You're a HIPPIE stalker, what are those lemon drops laced with? Pot? I knew it, there's no other way you can be so calm all the time. That's why you offer them to everyone, you're trying to get everyone high just like you! I'm ashamed of you Bumblebee, how could you fall down that slippery slope? I know you had a hard time killing Grindewald 'cause he was your secret love and everything, and there's also the whole 'Tom Riddle became Voldemort because of me' thing, and Moldyshorts first rise -was- your fault, and you are the reason I had to go to the Dursley's where I was emotionally, psychologically, and physically abused, and there's Sirius' false imprisonment and death, AND--"

"That is enough," said Dumbledore, looking significantly more depressed, twinkle no where in sight. "And no, I am not high, I am not a stalker ,there is no pot in the lemon drops, and the 60's were a long time ago..." Dumbledore trailed off. "Now, why are you here?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well," Harry began,"McGonagal sent me up here and told me to wait. I have no idea why though, it was the best catnip I could find," he finished.

Right on cue, in stalked McGonagal. "Headmaster, never in all my years have I ever been so insulted, outraged, or embarrassed!" She began. "Why I am about fit to side with Severus and..."

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Well thats the first chapter. Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Please review! if only to tell me you hate it and think i should delete it! although i wont.

do you want more? review. please. And some ideas about what Harry should do next wouldnt go amiss either.


	2. Let the mayhem begin

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

BREAK

Right on cue, in stalked McGonagal. "Headmaster, never in all my years have I ever been so insulted, outraged, or embarrassed!" She began. "Why I am about fit to side with Severus and have him taken off the quidditch team!"

Dumbledore hurridly said,"Now Minerva, I am sure you do not mean that. What you need to do is calm down, drink some tea, and have some lemon drops. As for you, young Harry, I believe we can let you go with a warning for now. No Minerva, drink your tea." he said to McGonagal, gesturing to the tea that was magically there. "Now run along to your next class, Harry."

BREAK

Harry walked into Divination Class with everyone else, blatantly ignoring the odd stares he was recieving.

"Harry?" Hermione tentively asked. "Are you ok?"

"Yep," Harry chirped happily. "Fit as a fiddle!"

Before Hermione could interrogate him some more, in walked Trelawney.

"Class," the old bat began,"Today we will peer through the fog of the mundane and..." She trailed off to stare at Harry who was rumaging through his bag. He then stood up, holding something behind his back, and walked torwards Trelawney.

All of a sudden he pulled out a frying pan, hit her on the forehead with it, and said, "Didn't See that one coming, now did ya?"

The class was quiet for all of 2.4 seconds. Then they broke out in laughter and applause. Harry did a few bows, packed up his stuff, and skipped out the door, forgetting there was a ladder there, and falling because of it. Everyone stopped laughing and rushed to see if he was ok. Apparently he was, because he stood up, brushed himself off, and continued skipping, this time while whistling.

Everyone just stared.

BREAK

Harry stopped skipping half-way to the Room of Requirement, although he kept on whistling. When he got there, he paced back and forth, thinking of what he wanted. After the door appeared, he stopped whistling, and went in and locked the door behind him. Harry then sat on the couch, flipped through the phone book some, then dialed a number on the phone he had asked the room for and said,"Hello. Ghost Busters? Yes. I'm a student at an exclusive school in Scotland, and we have a severe ghost and poltergeist problem. Yes, I do realize that and am willing to fund your trip over here as well. Yes. Yes. Ok. Yes. I will meet you at the airport in London in 2 days. Oh, Ok. A week then. Yes, I'll have the money wired to your account. You have a good day, too. Good bye." Harry hung up the phone.

Harry then stared into the fire, steepled his fingers, and said evilly,"Let the mayhem begin..."

BREAK

Disclaimer pt 2: i dont own ghost busters either.

yes i know Hermione doesn't have divination any more, but this is still AU.

plz review.


	3. waffless and carrots?

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: if by some miracle i actually owned harry potter, i could afford a better laptop. seeing as i still have this crappy one, you may all correctly assume that i do not.

sorry i havent updated sooner. but, hey, life gets in the way sometimes.

enjoy.

BREAK

_The next day._

Harry woke up and decided to wear his favorite shirt. It is a black, short-sleeved shirt with the words, "DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!" in neon green. After getting dressed and preparing for the day, he went down to the common room. When he got there he discovered some first years complaining about the older years taking up all of the space. He grinned evilly.

"Hey guys, I know exactly what you mean. We have that same problem every year."said cheerfully.

"Really?" asked firstie #1. "What do you do about it?"

"Well,"he began. "Every year the first years build a brand new tree house. Well, except it may not be able to happen this year."

"But, why?"asked firstie #3.

"Well, with the strict new rules,"Harry sighed,"no body is allowed near the Forbidden Forrest. So, the only tree available is the Whomping Willow, and pretty soon somebody is going to claim it."

"Wait. Why hasn't it been claimed already?" firstie #2 asked suspiciously.

"Because it isn't that far into the year and people _do_ have to collect supplies, you know."Harry answered easily.

"Ok then."firstie #2 said."But why is it called the Whomping Willow?"

"Because the 'Whomping Games' used to be played under its branches,"Harry explained. "If you don't know what they are, then look it up in the library, that _is _what it's for, you know."

"Thanks Potter!"says firstie #5. "Come on let's go!"

"Yeah! Before some other house gets it!" agreed firstie #2.4.

Then all the firsties piled out of the portrait to go get supplies.

"So much chaos! And before breakfast, too. I must fix that."Harry said to no body in paticular. He then walked out of the common room, ignoring the strange looks he was getting because of his shirt. Halfway there, he decided it would be a fun idea to start walking backwards. Ten feet later, he then decides that that is way too mundane and begins skipping backwards. Magically not falling, even down the stairs.

Harry managed to make it halfway through his waffles with blueberry syrup and carrots before Hermione pounced on him.

"Harry!" she shrieked. "Just WHAT do you think you are doing?"

"Eating breakfast," Harry replied. "Want some?" He asked, gesturing at the table.

"No I don't want any bloody breakfast! I want to know _why_ you are wearing that blasphepmous shirt!"

"Wow, already worked up and she hasn't even heard about the firsties yet," he muttered to himself. Speaking to Hermione he said,"Because in polite society, people wear clothes Hermione. I would've thought that you of all people would know that."

"You know what I mean Potter!" Hermione yelled. "And what do you mean I haven't heard about the first years yet! What haven't I heard?"

"Some things are learnt better if you have to discover them yourself," Harry replied calmly. "Well, if I leave now I can put on my battle gear and not be too late for potions."

Hermione, thinking she might be late, shrieks, and flies to Potions, thirty minutes before she usually arrives. Harry then procedes to twirl his way to the Gryffindor Tower to get the afore mentioned battle gear.

BREAK

45 MINUTES LATER, AKA 5 MINUTES INTO SNAPE'S POTIONS CLASS.

Snape had just finished giving the class its assignment when Harry Potter, clad in leather battle gear and the same shirt, storms in, slamming the door, effectively attracting everyone's attention.

"Mr. Potter! Ten points off for every minute you were late, and fifteen for every student's attention that you attracted with your entrance. Now sit down before I take more." sneered Snape.

"No can do Snape-a-doodle,"replied Harry.

"What did you call me?" Snape hissed.

"You heard me Snape-a-doodle," sang Harry.

"Never call me that again. And why, pray tell, can't you sit down?"

"Because I have to 'botha' you."

"You have suceeded. Now sit and thirty more points off."

"No Snape-a-doodle, not bother, but 'botha'" Harry then walked to the front of the room, beside Snape, and said,"BOTHA!" many times while pushing Snape with his hands. After doing this many times, Snapes left eye started to twitch. Harry took this as his cue to flee to the Headmaster's office.

As he fled, Snape yelled,"POTTER!!! Headmaster's office NOW! The rest of you, read and report on pages 300 through 500, nothing less than three feet. Class DISMISSED!"

BREAK

"...and then he gets mad and yells at me because I hugged him and was trying to help him get in touch with his inner child! He even said that I'm a bother!" said Harry, finishing his version of Potion's class.

"I see, well, I have been trying to get him to do the same thing for years, I think you have had more luck with this than I have had. I will restore those points you lost in your valiant effort, plus award you 50 points. Do not worry, I will talk with Professor Snape. Have a good day," Dumbles dismissed Harry.

BREAK

"Harry! Why did you do that? Forget all the rules that you obviously don't care about, and forget how rude it is to disrespect a teacher, but don't you care about the House Cup _at all_? You've practically gift-wrapped it for the Slytherins!" shrieked Hermione.

"She does have a point mate,"said Ron. "'Though that was bloody brilliant! That beat anything the twins ever did. Wait 'til I tell them, they'll be soo jealous."

"Don't worry about the points,"said Harry. "I went and talked to Bumble-doors and smoothed things over, he even gave me and extra 50 points."

"Bloody Brilliant!"said Ron.

"But,...but...,"said Hermione, who then proceeded to babble and drool with a blank look on her face.

The boys stared at her for a few seconds, then shrugged, and started skipping to the Kitchens.

"Hey Harry."

"Yeah, Ron?"

"Are you're scar senses tingling...?"

BREAK

well, how do you like it?

plz Read and Review.

even if you hated it.

If you don't know what the Botha thing was about, look up Potter Puppet Pals on utube. it is hillarious.


	4. MARSHMALLOWS!

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Roses are red, such a violent hue, I don't own harry potter nor ghost busters, and chances are, neither do you.

Woo! I updated sooner! I will try to update about every 2 weeks or so, but I'm not making any promises.

AN: In this universe, which is still AU, Volde-shorts is dead. Vanderman killed him. And I seriously doubt any of you know who he is.

**ATTENTION**: I never thought I'd be one of those people, but I have a ton of hits for this chapter, and one review. I'm not asking for much, I just want 2 more reviews before I post another chapter. Thank you very much. And sorry to those who thought this was another update.

Enjoy!

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_2 days later/ 4 days until the Ghost Busters arrive._

Snape's POV

Immediately upon waking up, he, Severus Snape, the feared potion's master, ex-deatheater, and alleged Snape-a-doodle, could tell this was going to be one of _those_ days. The days that made you wished you had never gotten out of bed. Snape groaned, opened his eyes, and hurridly closed them. He had seen his calender. He had the sixth year Gryffindors today, and it just happened to be _Double _Potions to maked it worse. For once in his life, Snape did'nt go to class.

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Hermione's POV 

Hermione, as she was preparing for the day, was thinking. She was thinking that today was going to be a good day, she could just feel it. Harry had behaved yesterday, with only minor misshaps, and today looked promising as well. The smartest witch in her class had already labled those two days of insanity as Harry having a minor episode. After all, he was connected to He-Who's-Name-Must-Be-Hyphenated-And-Capitalized-At-All-Times's mind for fifteen years of his life, he was definately allowed a minor episode. But perhaps they should look into getting him some therapy, infact, Hermione could read up on it herself, and help Harry, so he would never have any of those episodes again. For the whole school's sanity as well as his, although it was probably too late for the Headmaster.

Cheerfully, Hermione headed down to the Common Room.

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General but still mostly from Harry's POV 

The Common Room was filled with people trying to do last minute homework, meet friends, greet signigicant others, sign up for Quidditch, and head down to breakfast. Harry had just backed away from the sign-up sheet. Already grinning from the future chaos that could be caused with this. He then twirled down to the Great Hall to meet Ron, the youngest of the male Weasleys and his personal yes-man, for breakfast.

When he got down there, he didn't see Ron anywhere. After waiting for ten minutes, Harry gave into his stomach's demands and went in to eat breakfast. When he reached the table, he saw Ron already there, and from the looks of it, halfway through his second helping of kippers and eggs.

"Why, may I ask, did you not meet me like we had agreed?" Harry asked Ron coolly.

Ron swallowed his food, something he never did for Hermione, and said, "I don't know, why did you sign up as a beater for the try-outs."

"I already told you," Harry said exasperated. "It's part of my diabolical plan."

Ron had an especially confused look on his face. "What does _that_ have to do with marshmallows and demon gummie bears?"

"Not _that _one you idiot, the _other_ one."

Ron thought for about two minutes and then, with a look of comprehension on his face, said, "Oh. _That_ one. Blimey, Harry. I'm sorry."

"I'm afraid sorry is not going to be good enough this time. You are now officially out of the loop and officially on the civillians list," said Harry in a final way.

Ron paled and went to the other end of the table to sulk, leaving his half-eaten food behind. Harry, on the other hand, cheered up immediately, and helped himself to cinnamon and sugar and sugar toast (my brother made that up). Ten minutes later, Hermione came in, face burried in a book on psychology, and sat in Ron's previous seat. Putting the book down, she noticed the spot's previous occupant's food.

Frowning, she said," Why does this look like one of Ron's halfway eaten meals?"

Harry answers, "Because it is."

"Is he sick?"

"Not presently."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked, annoyed.

"Exactly what it sounds like," Harry replied, earily calm. Before Hermione could badger him any more, he got out of his seat, walked to the teachers' table, and looked around the room. Noticing that everyone except the Potion's Master was present, he waved his wand, both shutting and locking the doors, jumped up on the table, conjured a megaphone and said:

"People of Earth, stop being so damn stupid."

The lights flickered off, the on again. When the lights came back on for good, Harry was gone, and in his place was a large box about three foot in height, width, and depth. Everyone stared at this box for about six seconds before it opened, seemingly under its own power. After that the peace lasted for one more second befor demon gummie bears armed with marshmallow swords, spears, and bows and arrows came flying out, attacking everyone. People screamed, tried shooting spells at them, and tried to escape, but it was no use. Most spells either had no effect on them or ended up multiplying them.

Down in his dungeon rooms, Snape heard the screams, shuddered, and went back to drinking his firewhiskey, glad he had not left his rooms today.

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well? 

like it?

love it?

hate it?

please review and tell me!

The next chapter will be dedicated to the first reviewer that can tell me where the 'people of earth' thing came from.


	5. Croutons and Amnesia

Chapter the Fifth

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!!

A/N: sorry about not updating sooner. I really meant to, but things got in the way and I am also very lazy.

This chapter is dedicated to **doodledoodle **since that was the only review I received for the last chapter. The people of Earth thing came from 'Futurama.' Which I do not own.

I apologize for any and all mistakes as none of my stories are beta'd.

HARRYISCRAZYHARRYISCRAZYHARRYISCRAZY

_General/Harry POV_

_2 days until the Ghostbusters arrive. And the day of the House try-outs._

Harry was walking out of the Gryffindor Tower's boy's bathroom that morning, looking very amused at the angry and scary looks he was receiving. 'Just like old times,' he thought. When he walked down into the Common Room, he was dressed in a full Naive American chief costume. He started running to the Great Hall, waving a tomahawk, and singing:

I'm an Indian outlaw  
Half Cherokee and Choctaw  
My baby she's a Chippewa  
She's one of a kind

All my friends call me Bear Claw  
The Village Cheaftin' is my paw-paw  
He gets his orders from my maw-maw  
She makes him walk the line

You can find me in my wigwam  
I'll be beatin' on my tom-tom  
Pull out the pipe and smoke you some  
Hey and pass it around 

'Cause I'm an Indian outlaw  
Half Cherokee and Choctaw  
My baby she's a Chippewa  
She's one of a kind...

The students he ran by either looked outraged, confused, amused, or just felt to jaded by the whole 'Harry going crazy thing' to care anymore. When he saw these looks on their faces, Harry knew he had to step it up, or the entire thing would become way to common place. Then he remembered who would be coming it 2 days and got a crazy/evil smile on his face, which caused several ickle firsties and secondies to run away crying, and the rest of the school to fear for their sanity.

When he arrived at the Great Hall, he had finished singing, and sat between Hermione, who half didn't want to talk to him and half was trying to put him through therapy using her books, and Ron, who was sucking up to Harry so he wouldn't be put on anymore civillian lists. Across the table was Dean, who looked at Harry and asked:

"You're not gonna start singing the YMCA are ya?"

Harry looked at Dean, started laughing while shaking his head no. "That's a funny idea, but that would probably be more up Malfoy's alley." said Harry, still laughing.

All the muggle-borns and half-bloods at the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff tables started dying laughing, while the pure-bloods looked confused until a friend explained what was so funny. The joked spread all the way through the Great Hall, and everyone except Malfoy and his friends were laughing. Malfoy and Co. of course were very annoyed and stormed out to the Great Hall.

"Drama Queens," muttered Harry, which caused more laughter at the Gryffindor table. Harry then started to eat his breakfast of croutons and blue berries. This caused Hermione to roll her eyes and start looking through her psycho-anaylis book while muttering to herself.

Harry finished his breakfast and walked out of the Great Hall and said, "Can you believe that she calls me crazy, B.O.B.?" A few minutes later he said," yeah. You're right, I'd better go get ready for the try-outs. See ya later." Then he adds," insane, 10-foot, purple otter, I swear. Although, I wonder why he's purple. Oh well." Harry then started twirling like a ballerina all the way to the tower.

HARRYISCRAZYHARRYISCRAZYHARRYISCRAZY

_Snape POV_

The Head of Slytherin walked into the Great Hall about 5 minutes after Harry left thinking, 'Today is going to be a good day,' as he side-stepped leftover bits of marshmallow and gummy bear goo. Two minutes after he had tempted fate by thinking this, the Gandalf-look-alike turned to Snape and said:

"Severus, my boy, how are you today?" Not giving him a chance to finish, Dumbles continued, "Splendid. Now I need a favor. Minerva is taking a personal day after getting all the marshmallow goop in her animagus form's fur, and since she is unavailable, I would like for you to supervise the Gryffindor Quidditch Team's try-outs in thirty minutes. You do not have to do anything big, just make sur there are no fights or cheating. I would do it myself, but there is a big stack of paperwork that I have been neglecting and I simply must catch up. Thank you ever so much for agreeing, I knew I could count on you." With that the Headmaster-Who's-Eyes-Twinkle left the building, er Hall.

As the Spy watched Sir Twinkles leave the Hall, he said," But, I didn't agree to anything."

"Welcome to our world," quipped Professor Vector.

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_later at the try-outs_

"Ok," said Katie-Bell. "Those trying out for Beater get over here. Potter, what are you doing? You're the Seeker."

"I know," replied Harry. "But I wanted to try a new position, my dr. said it's good for me to try new things."

"Doctor? And just who is your doctor?"

"His name is B.O.B."

"Whatever. You do realize that no mattter how good you are, I will asign you to the position that will benefit the team the most, right?"

"Aye, aye, cap'n"

"Beater hopefuls,"began Katie, addressing everyone (all 4 of them) again," you lot will fly up there and try to defend your chaser and attack your opponents chaser. The 2 people that do best will be our Beaters. Hopeful#1 and #3 defend Ginny. Harry and Hopeful#2 defend Demelza. On my whistle." She blew the whistle.

#'s 1 and 3 were defending and attacking with the Bludgers very expertly, and #2 was doing a decent job. Harry was defending most excellently, but was deflecting all his bludgers at Snape, who managed to yell, "POTTER! Stop immediately! 50 points from Gryffindor and detention for..." before he was knocked unconcious.

Katie calmly said," Ok, then, #'s 1 and 3 you are our Beaters and #2 is on reserve. Potter you are our Seeker. That's it. Try-outs are over. Potter, levitate Snape to the Hospital Wing."

Everyone dispersed to do whatever they felt like doing, and Harry, for once, was doing exactly what he was told and was levitating Snape to what he, Harry, had dubbed, The Wing Of Horror.

HARRYISCRAZYHARRYISCRAZYHARRYISCRAZY

_hospital wing_

"Severus, you need to wake up." said Dumbledore in a kind manner.

Snape opened his eyes, glared, and asked, "What happened?"

"I will tell you that in a moment, first I need to ask you something. What is the last thing you remember?"

"Saving the Potter brat from being bucked of his broom at the Quidditch Match."

"Oh, dear..."

HARRYISCRAZYHARRYISCRAZYHARRYISCRAZY

yep Snape-a-doodle has amnesia. grins.

hate it? love it?

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Review please. I will read and review anyones story if they will do the same for me.

I do not own 'Indian Outlaw' Tim McGraw and some record company does.


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